Remember?

Fear.

How it engulfs you and eats at your brain till you’re left paralyzed. Till nothings left but the skull so it finds itself, gnawing on just that for sometime. That's pretty much code for "till it gets bored." its that numbness, that feeling of "WTF" that makes you ask all the questions imaginable, "Why do I feel this way?” or “What made me like this?" You just crave that taste that bittersweet taste of stability. We all want that happier moment we all find ourselves asking the big, "What if?"

It takes me back to those days, the days of my innocence. The shocker part is I hardly remember a thing about my childhood. Well just the not so good parts. Anyways, it takes me back to those days, you know? We were so clueless and young we never saw the world for how it really was. Lost in our imaginations laughing and smiling like there was nothing but sunshine filling us up with our undying hopes and dreams we wished for and demanded to someday make effect. As if nothing ever went wrong or nothing in life could ever be so harmful. The good times, right?

I remember I wanted to be so many things in life. Ha, still do! Go.
Figure. I remember being so free spirited and trying so hard to find love and compassion. Always found myself searching for that one, “special” bind with someone. That bind filled with a sense of trust and no doubts. I longed for attention. I wanted to be talked to and thought of. I wanted to make friends with everyone and have us all just get along. Maybe that's just what I think I wanted when the thought comes to me now as I type this? I don’t really know.

Love and lust were no more different at 19 years of age in nearly complete adulthood compared to childhood 7. We all wanted attention that touch to be asked to play or be apart of “The team”. To help someone while they were in need or just wanted to work with another person because who wants to do anything alone? Right. But think if we never get that bite of abandonment that sense of open space or loneliness, we never learn how to care for ourselves get up on our own feet and keep walking tall. We don’t reach inside our minds and figure out ourselves and what makes us tick or function. We’d never learn to survive and get by on our own. We can't just fall or get knocked down then bawl till someone comes sprinting to the rescue covers our horrifyingly painful, “Boo-Boo’s” and we HAVE to have that band aid to save our lives.

Now, I'm not saying we need to force kids to grow up faster or toughen them up. I'm saying reach out to them. Help them build up that foundation of everything’s going to be alright if you make it alright. Just because one or two bad things happen and we go crashing down does not mean the worlds is bad or we need mommy/daddy or that everyone is out to get us or "God" hates me or something like any of those. Reach and find yourself. Clean yourself up and show them you will figure something out and you will get by again. Maybe not how you want to but as long as you have something it's better than the nothingness of being put 6ft underground. Appreciate what is given to you today cause you really don't know if you'll have that tomorrow.

Things die. Stuff happens and everything comes and goes. That doesn't mean all is totally lost or forgotten. Some things need a revision or to be put aside for other things wither they are important or not. If you don't feel comfortable doing it well maybe it's just not time then? If you want to try it, do it. Whatever you do don't be mad or disappointed because you didn't get that end result you want or expect. Just remember you tried. Without effort what's anything. Even "Anything" is a "something." because a "Nothing" can't be seen, heard, or felt. It can only be invisible. So stop stressing about what's invisible and focus on what can be seen, heard and felt. Think. It goes to show that love IS thee impossible. Because what's impossible is everything we never allow ourselves to see and that's everything about ourselves along with each other.

Coffee and Cigarettes

Do you know how sad it is when you realize what will soon enough most likely will become the death of you? Life couldn't possibly get much more pathetic then that but yet it happens to anyways. Lets think, some people blame the job or turning "30" is all that it takes. Me? If it doesn't end up being the stresses of college certainly i'll be laying $50 down on Coffee! You kinda know when you've reached that point of needing a dose every day and drinking about 2 pots worth you know by then you have no such thing as blood rushing through your veins. You know its bad when you try and replace it with bottle after bottle of Pepsi and that isn't even enough of a buzz for you.

How could ones life get so out of line! When trying to recall the memories I think back and try to figure it out but I only remember those, "City Lights" days. Helplessly I realize how much I have lost my heart along the way with that. I'm sitting here missing those lights. The spark of darkness in the depths and listening to the life of the rushed. So full of originality, gray lit skies, color, the wrecks on every street, engulfing debris in the waters and wildlife. You think that'd be horrid right? At the least depressing or boring or even disgusting, right? But really is it? No, I don't seem to think so. Poverty has its own ways of making the shittiest of things look the greatest. Although your reading someone’s work who has the heart and mind to look for the beauty in all the things in our world. No matter how hideous it may appear.

Some people find the city life to be very loud, obnoxious, dirty, unorganized, conservative, scary, uncivilized and selfish. Can you talk much more about how narrow minded those thoughts could get? Why isn't it possible for one to see or understand that its more of a glorious thing. Look at the structures of the buildings how tremendous the architecture is! The layouts and formalities of the landscapes and how the city was griddid. Look at the aged aspects. Don't you see the beauty in something so antique that’s still being used? Look at the styles and designs that are intertwined with the streets. See the people? See the individualities? See the trees and the brick or concrete lain streets? Look around you and visualize what was around you if you were in that very spot 50 years ago. Can you even imagine? Look at the graffiti in the run down area's see the art hidden in the walls and on the things that are ruined?

Don’t you see the stars that are hidden within the surroundings of the city? Look around the darkness at night. Don't you see the colors that still exist? Look within the cracks and appear to see outside the boxes our minds stay glued inside. See the life and the spirit that keeps that very foundation steady and glowing with possibilities. How is it that no none of you don't see any of these things? I guess all I can think of is, No ones perfect. Nobody knows the truth. After all I suppose I can only see this because when I dream of those city lights, I remember why my hearts been so lost along the way. The city is where my heart is.